Attachment and Addiction

A plug for a great book . . . mine, actually!

Whether it’s shyness, false humility, or a lack of business savvy, I simply don’t promote my books well. That’s especially true with my latest: Pure Hearted: Banding Together for Sexual Wholeness. But recent reading prodded me a bit. Turns out the book’s approach to overcoming sexual addiction lines up with the latest in neuroscience.

As paid subscribers know, I’m doing a good bit of prayerful research on ministry to those addicted to BDSM (bondage, dominance, sadomasochism). Eventually, I will post another article about how to help those caught in the chains and leather of this deeply demonic practice.

But my recent research led me to a book on how attachment theory applies to basic discipleship and spiritual formation: Renovated: God, Dallas Willard & the Church that Transforms by Jim Wilder.

Also a great book, actually.

Holding a PhD in psychology and an MTh in theology, Wilder was a close colleague of teacher and author Dallas Willard, and friends with his wife Jane Willard, a licensed therapist and spiritual director. Shortly before Dallas’ death, the three of them were uncovering how salvation itself is related to attachment theory—in essence, it is becoming increasingly attached to God himself. Spiritual maturity and emotional maturity, in their view, are inseparably linked.

This book contains transcripts from Dallas Willard’s final lectures delivered at a conference shortly before he passed. Interwoven between those lectures are Wilder’s insights from neuroscience. This one paragraph from the first chapter caught my attention. After explaining the Hebrew word hesed (God’s faithful, loyal, and unchanging love), Wilder describes his own hunger of heart:

I concluded that my relationship to God needed more attachment love. My relationships with people needed more of God’s character. How would this happen? Frankly, I did not expect hesed from church people if my character were to be exposed. Christians had not provided strong enough attachments for me to expose what went on in my brain. So I kept my Christian face on in church. But unless I had strong attachments with God and people at the same moment, I could not reasonably expect to see much transformation into the character of Christ. Reconciling the church’s practices of transformation to how the brain works will be our topic for this book. (Italics mine.)

Deep within, I think most of us in ministry already sense this. It does, however, help to hear it confirmed by one who studies neuroscience. It’s kind of like my mechanic explaining to me how pistons fire synchronically to drive the shaft and turn the tires—ah, ok, that’s kinda what I figured!

And it also confirms the approach of Pure Hearted.  “. . . strong attachments with God and people at the same moment.” That’s really the core of how my book addresses sexual addiction.

Before sending it to Seedbed Publishing, I had a core group of men try it out, and then I sought their feedback. One stated that the longest stretch of clean time that he ever had was when his church together practiced the Divine Office. This was a highly structured devotional practice which included written prayers, creeds, and assigned scripture readings.

Though this practice was not part of his church tradition (he’s a Charismatic), it positioned his weary soul in God’s presence both morning and evening. The twice-daily infusion was lifegiving.  

And so I designed a “Divine Office for Sexual Strugglers” as an appendix to the book, with prayers, scripture readings, and creeds which are all focused on setting addicts free. Close connection with God is so very important.

But as Wilder also states, transformation requires a strong attachment with people “at the same moment.”

The subtitle for my book is Banding Together for Sexual Wholeness. “Banding” refers to a centuries old practice of meeting in groups of 2-5 people of the same sex in order to open up our hearts for accountability and encouragement. Applying this dynamic for those in addiction aims to help men and women reach ninety days clean from porn usage.

Recently I had breakfast with “Angry Jim”, a leader in our church. Most of his life was eaten up by alcohol, drugs, and prison. Now in his late 50’s, he has about eight years clean. I asked him the key components to his success: church, devotions, and calling his sponsor at least once a day.

Once a day?! Yep. Sometimes twice.

And so the band approach in Pure Hearted encourages daily communication among its members: calls, texts, emails, smoke signals, etc. Yes, tedious at first. But in this way, a safe community is built where each can open up their hearts with all their fears and failures. In the process, they also learn some key prayer practices to help deal with root issues fueling their addiction.

OK, we are used to disclaimers at the end of commercials for newly concocted cures. So, yes, if you have an allergy to reading books, you should consult your physician. Ask your therapist if Pure Hearted might be right for you . . .

But more seriously, if one’s sexual addiction is rooted in a history of sexual trauma, this book should be used in conjunction with professional therapy. The book is best suited for the large swath of the Church that is hooked on internet porn and cybersex. Cases involving anonymous encounters with prostitutes or “cam girls” will need professional help in tandem with the band approach.

Pastors and counselors, get one copy to have on your shelf. When that person under your care confesses to this addiction, you will have a user-friendly resource to help them on their journey of recovery.

Want a free copy? I will send a freebie to every new paid subscriber.

Click the nifty green button below and become a Tsunami Surfing Supporter. As soon as I have your mailing address, I’ll drop your copy in the mail.

Tsunami Surfing Supporters receive articles on more sensitive issues, and gain access to the comment section. Three or four times a year, we also Zoom together for information and inspiration.

Eventually, I will be exploring how attachment theory might apply to helping those addicted to BDSM. That will be written up in an article for paid subscribers. But the basic principles of attachment apply to all of ministry.