In the last article, I shared some of the info from a breakout session I conducted at the Building Bridges to Sexual Wholeness seminar. The main thrust was creating a conversation with our kids in age-appropriate ways concerning gender and sexuality. Today I want to address fifth and sixth graders. What’s appropriate at this stage?
If the ages eight to ten are the prime time for messages to be more caught than taught, once they enter fifth grade, you’d better begin dishing out details. Here are a few thoughts:
Notice the first signs of puberty and affirm them.
One little boy was showering with his dad and suddenly had an erection. “Wow! Daddy, look what I can do!” Instead of celebrating with him, Dad slapped his penis and said, “Stop that!” Can you imagine the impact for that boy? Instead of celebrating and making it a teaching moment, a firm message of shame was embedded in his soul. (OK, and I’m not cool with showering with our kids either.)
Details for boys on masturbation might be appropriate at this age, especially if you have any clue that they’ve been exposed to porn. Add to that, a little prepping about possible wet dreams.
Let your daughters know details before their first period—what to anticipate and why it happens. Then that first flow can be a celebration rather than having the feel of a private horror flick.
Notice also the first evidence of puberty in you kids’ friends. Ease the stress of late bloomers by assuring them that their day will indeed arrive. Flowers in May are every bit as beautiful as daffodils and crocuses.
Define abuse more clearly.
Details on abuse ought to be expanded beyond the touching of private parts. Note that, yes, unwanted touch and rape are abuse, but so are exposing one’s genitals, introducing porn, and talking seductively. The list is long, actually. (A description of types of abuse, the causative dynamics, and the costly effects can be found in Chapter 3 of Into the Light: Healing Sexuality in Today’s Church.)
Point them to the beauty.
And a key point: focus on the beauty of God’s design rather the than the consequences for disobeying him on sexual matters. Yes, the details of boundaries certainly need to be discussed, especially in a culture where the only word emphasized is “consent.” But provide a positive vision of God’s design. Beyond anatomy and reproductive behavior, describe how sexuality enhances intimacy and connection. If you need clues, check out Chapter 2 in my book Into the Light: Healing Sexuality in Today’s Church. Also very helpful is Hillary Morgan Ferrer’s Mama Bear Apologetics Guide to Sexuality: Empowering Your Kids to Understand and Live Out God’s Design.
One of my acquaintances wrote a great resource: Created by God: Tweens, Faith, and Human Sexuality. Jim Ritchie has been passionate about tailoring the message of sexuality for this age group. Fifth and sixth graders are very inquisitive, and old enough to understand the details. They’ve begun to realize the opposite sex doesn’t have cooties, and they are likely noticing changes to their bodies. But here’s a key point: they’ve not yet reached the squirrely stage of puberty when most are too cool to appear they don’t have all the answers.
Ritchie’s material has flexibility with how the material can be presented, but it is designed to serve as a weekend retreat. This makes a lot of sense, doesn’t it? Similar to confirmation, it can serve as a rite of passage, especially with parental involvement. Written over thirteen years ago, it is new enough to include topics like sexting, but old enough not to have gone woke.
Often I tell people, including youth, that God did not make us sexual beings and then give us relationships so that we could be sexually fulfilled. Quite the opposite. He made us relational beings and gave us sexual intimacy so that we can be relationally fulfilled. That is the message our “tweens” desperately need to hear.
Next week will move on to Teens. When it comes to sexuality, Junior High kids need Discipleship and Senior High students need Direction.
Know of other great resources for tweens or teens? Leave a comment. Or click the button to begin a conversation.
Details for "Tweens"
Yeah, a rough topic when we don't always even know what the heck the kids are talking about. My kids have had to fill me in on several terms that I didn't know. Onward and upward.
I thank God that you are reaching people with your message and I pray it expands into the whole church and the world. As an elementary school age child, I knew nothing about human sexuality. When I asked my parents, they would get angry and say the public school would teach that when I was in sixth grade. That sex education curriculum in sixth grade gave me few answers and left me with many more questions. So, like many boys my age at that time, I learned about sex from older friends. You are doing great work with our youth. God bless you.