Fulfillment vs. Happiness

Been stewing about our view of suffering

Yes, I know it is Thanksgiving. Time for the three F’s: family, food, and football. But I want to serve up some thoughts that have been cooking in my mind’s crockpot for a while. The topic? Suffering—especially regarding God’s design for human fulfillment. And whether you are a Free Subscriber or a Tsunami Supporter, let me know how this tastes down in the comment section.

OK, I know there should be turkey in there somewhere . . .

As pastors and counselors, you’ve heard repeatedly the modern mantra: “I just want to be happy.” That’s the message our culture is very deeply invested in, especially regarding sexual fulfillment. By default, we counter with, “There’s a difference between happiness and joy. God promises joy, but not necessarily that we will always be happy.”

Let me dish out some thoughts and illustrate it with my own life.

Yes, we are quick to point out that happiness is determined by circumstances, but joy is the fruit of an abiding relationship with God. Hence the letter of Philippians is threaded throughout with the theme of joy—even though Paul wrote it while in prison. How could he do that?

For me, it is also helpful to think in terms of happiness vs. fulfillment. Let me explain.

In my first book Into the Light: Healing Sexuality in Today’s Church, I cite my preferred list of the core longings we all share: love, security, understanding, purpose, significance, and belonging. These are the needs we are born with, and when any of them go unmet, the Evil One targets them for temptation (James 1:14-16).

We can be sure that this side of Paradise, those longings will never be fully met. We will always have a bit of an ache in the pit of our stomachs.

A Personal Illustration

Called from the womb!

Last week was my 67^th birthday. There’s a family story often told about my conception. Mom and Dad already had a girl and a boy ages eight and eleven. They assumed they were done. Learning she was pregnant, Mom was distraught.

They were in a stable place financially and were planning to buy a car. Then there were other plans, like taking a long family vacation. Pregnancy would upend those dreams!

Not only that, Mom hated the pain of childbirth. She had always begged the doctors, “Just put me to sleep! Just knock me out!”

For two weeks she cried. My brother remembers the pastor coming over and taking the family for a walk. On the bridge at the bottom of the hill, he led the family in prayer.

The tears continued, however.

After two weeks of crying, Dad found her sobbing in the living room. Placing a hand on her shoulder, he said, “Maybe God needs another preacher!”

With those words, God’s peace embraced her. She felt that God had a purpose for her pain and for my life.

They didn’t tell me this story until the day I was ordained. Pretty cool, right? I sure thought so at the time.

Fast forward 20 years, and I was a ministry mess. It seemed like my life was being torn apart. After enlisting the help of a spiritual director, I understood one root of my chaos: I was addicted to performance and approval.

My director at the time, Dr. Anne Halley, was trained in childhood development and trauma. She connected my present ministry idolatry with the story of my conception. Somehow, while a tiny person in my mom’s womb, I picked up the message that I had to prove to God that I was fulfilling my purpose. There was a gorge-like gap in my soul for significance. It had driven my dysfunction since childhood.

Now the addiction has been broken, but I must daily lean into God for the truth: I was already significant in the womb, no matter how my life played out.

Happiness didn’t come with that truth. Pastoring was still painful. But a key longing had been met which allowed the joy to return.

This is everyone’s story, especially with sexual addiction and sexual aversion. Our culture’s bass drum pounds out a rhythm: “Be happy!” and “Be sexually fulfilled!” The constant thumping accentuates the unmet needs which hound us. And as I’ve also spelled out in Into the Light, those six longings can be partially met with sexual intimacy within the bond of a marriage covenant. Remember this principle: God is our Source and our spouse can be his resource.

However, our longings will never be fully met this side of heaven. Paul wrote to the sex-crazed Corinthians that our present life is like living in a tent (2 Corinthians 5:1-5). It’s like camping. With uneven ground for our sleeping bags, smoke in our eyes, and a bit of ash mixed in with our scrambled eggs, living on earth is far from perfect. Heaven is where our home is.

But as we walk through this life with a hunger for more love, security, understanding, purpose, significance, and belonging, we can look to God to get us through. He is the ultimate Source and he uses healthy relationships as a resource to enable roughing the outdoors until we are safely home.

Joy in the midst of suffering is possible regardless of our circumstances. At times we may be happy, but joy can be the ongoing reality as we cling to God and his truth.

Oh yeah, back to Thanksgiving.

As I’m sure you know, the original pilgrims did have food, but no football. As for family, many had perished in the previous harsh winter. But they recognized God as their Source. The remaining community was their resource along with the budding friendship God had provided with the Native Americans.

There certainly was joy and gratitude, but it was in the midst of many unhappy losses.

Regardless of your circumstances, may God bless you richly this holiday season with grateful hearts, good turkey, lots of stuffing, and, as much as possible, family chatter that is politics free!