Rethinking Marriage

'Twas not good for Mark to be alone

To what degree have we bought into our culture’s understanding of sexuality and marriage? More than we realize, I’d wager. Perhaps today’s holiday makes this a well-timed post.

Like a picture frozen in my brain, I can still see my bride making her way down the aisle toward me. Beautiful. And I can still remember the excitement of entering a new season in life, linked forever by covenant, loving each other in tender and thoughtful ways. Enthralling.

In the throes of being head over heels, it was not difficult to envision myself loving and caring for Lauri “until parted by death.” But quite honestly, I was more excited about all that Mark Ongley was going to get out of the arrangement. So much revolved around the fulfillment of my dreams and my desires.

No doubt, that’s true for most of us.

Christopher Yuan’s Holy Sexuality and the Gospel: Sex, Desire, and Relationships Shaped by God’s Grand Story is challenging some of my notions about marriage. I’ve had to admit, I’ve been more influenced by our culture’s stories than by “God’s Grand Story”.

After God had created all things and declared them good, he saw that it wasn’t good for Adam to be alone. (Gen. 2:18) Most of us, including myself, have found God’s design for marriage in these very words. We’ve equated Adam’s being “alone” with loneliness. Marriage, we’ve concluded, is about companionship.

Yuan counters this assumption by pointing to the very next sentence: “And so he declared, ‘I will make him a helper as his partner’” (Gen. 2:18b). The Hebrew for the word “helper” is ezer. Some have mistakenly interpreted this to mean that as his “helper”, Eve must have been subordinate to Adam. But of the 21 occurrences of ezer in the Old Testament, 16 of them refer to God himself as the helper of Israel! He is subordinate to no one!

So if Eve was Adam’s helper, how was she to help? Help him with what?

Looking to the context, Yuan observes that the work given to Adam was beyond his ability to accomplish alone. He was to be fruitful, multiply, and fill the earth—definitely a job for two! And they were to subdue the earth and have dominion over the animal kingdom. For this reason, Yuan argues, it wasn’t good for Adam to be alone. He needed a partner to fulfill his purpose as God’s image bearer.

Genesis 2:15 provides more of the job description: “The LORD God took the man and put him in the garden of Eden to work it and keep it” (Gen. 2:15 ESV). The Hebrew words for “work” and “keep” are paired together thirteen times in the OT. Eleven of those instances refer to some aspect of worship. Hm.

Leaning on New Testament theologian Greg Beale, Yuan takes it further. As a place of intimacy with God, the Garden foreshadowed the tabernacle and the temple. The work of Adam and Eve ran parallel to that of the priests. Thus, “working and keeping were in essence priestly duties of worship in God’s garden-sanctuary.” He continues:

If marriage were only for companionship, marriage would be me-centered. Rather, marriage is God-centered. God brought Adam and Eve together—and brings husband and wife together—to provide companionship and to enable them to fulfill the work of worshiping, serving, and obeying God.

This falls in line with what we see in the lives of Jesus and Paul. Was it “not good” for them to be alone? Were they ill-equipped for life because of their loneliness? Or was it simply better to travel light in order to accomplish the specific tasks the Father had for them? Probably you are thinking of Paul’s words to the Corinthians:

32 I want you to be free from anxieties. The unmarried man is anxious about the affairs of the Lord, how to please the Lord; 33 but the married man is anxious about the affairs of the world, how to please his wife, 34 and his interests are divided. And the unmarried woman and the virgin are anxious about the affairs of the Lord, so that they may be holy in body and spirit; but the married woman is anxious about the affairs of the world, how to please her husband. 35 I say this for your own benefit, not to put any restraint upon you, but to promote good order and unhindered devotion to the Lord. (1 Cor. 7:32-35 NRSV)

“Unhindered devotion” was true for Jesus also. Skim through one of the gospels with an eye for his devotion to the Father’s purpose. You will find that nothing and no one was able to deter him from accomplishing his task.

Speaking to common folks who were working hard for food, clothing, and drink, Jesus said not to worry. “For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you” (Matt. 6:32-33 ESV). Don’t seek first for these needs to be met. Seek the kingdom first and they will be added to you.

Yes, we have needs—sexual, emotional, relational. Partnering with a spouse certainly helps meet those needs. But as with food and clothing, we are to live God-centered lives, not me-centered. With a God-centered orientation in marriage, we seek first the kingdom of God and he will supply the needs we so desperately seek to squeeze out of a partner.

Lauri Ongley has been my helper for 38 years. God has used all of her virtues and flaws to shape, guide, and equip me for fulfilling his purposes. That’s been especially true in the last nine years because I purposely made marriage God-centered instead of me-centered.

When I finally turned from trying to get out of her what I wanted for me, God began to more fully empower me to fulfill his purposes. And whada-ya-know, the joy of each other’s companionship increased.

After all, when it came to fulfilling God’s purpose, ‘twas not good for Mark to be alone.

PAID SUBSCRIBERS: I am on track or off the rails? Have a different perspective on God’s purpose for marriage? Leave your thoughts in the comment section.

With nieces and nephews on the big day.