Can pastors and lay counselors help bring healing to the sexually abused? Yes! This post describes applying First Aid.
For a season, I was conducting seminars to train pastors and lay counselors in the basics of helping sexual abuse victims. My largest event was with a group of 50 people in Mechanicsburg, PA. There a Lutheran pastor spoke up, saying, “I don’t believe pastors or laity have any business trying to counsel someone who’s been sexually abused!”
Hm. Made me wonder why he’d registered!
In some ways, his concern was justified. Without some training, you can’t simply begin probing, hoping to lance a pain-filled memory and make everything better. If untrained and poorly equipped, you can retraumatize and actually set them back.
But to say that pastors and lay counselors can’t be of any help is misguided. Yes, we may need to bring in someone trained in working with deep trauma. Formational Prayer and EMDR are proven tools for bringing healing to pockets of pain from our past. However, with some simple tools, the Church can play a part.
Initially, we can perhaps bring some perspective. More than once I’ve heard victims cry out with clenched fists, “Where the hell was God! I was just a little kid! How could he let this happen?” At this point we all want to step in with our apologetics manuals to address the age-old issue of the sovereignty of God in the midst of a world of evil. That’s our temptation. But likely that is not what they truly need. In fact, you might find that they have been there and done that already. Their minds have been on hyperdrive trying to figure out this tangled mess. Applying apologetics may help them about as much as applying Krazy Glue to the spider-webby glass of a broken windshield. It simply won’t work. They still won’t see clearly.
Why? Because the real problem for them is the pain in their right brain, not the questions in the left. Ultimately, the answer for them is not systematic theology but biblical lament.
Do you remember the story of Amnon and Tamar in 2 Samuel 13? The lurid details of this story of incest within King David’s family mirror how we as Christians have handled abuse. Egged on by his scoundrel of a cousin, Amnon plotted to take advantage of his half-sister. After he raped Tamar, he heaped on further shame by kicking her out onto the streets. There she began to lament in the customary way, crying out in great emotional turmoil and ripping the sleeves off of her garment. But Absalom, her full-blooded big brother, short-circuited her grieving, telling her, “Be quiet for now, my sister; he is your brother; do not take this to heart” (2 Sam. 13:20).
Huh? How do you not take this to heart? And why keep it quiet?
Dad wasn’t much help either. When David found out, “he became very angry, but he would not punish his son Amnon, because he loved him, for he was his firstborn” (2 Sam. 13:21).
What messages did that send to Tamar? You are not loved. You are not important. Your pain doesn’t matter.And, perhaps, Amnon’s reputation and future as the next king were more important than her vindication and safety. Can you see how devastating this would be?
And note the telling words regarding the victim: “So Tamar remained, a desolate woman, in her brother Absalom’s house” (2 Sam. 13:20).
Incredibly unjust, right?
But that same story in all of its sad detail has been a pattern in our own culture. Victims cry out to parents or other caregivers about their violation and immediately they are told a number of things that basically require them to stuff it:
• Don’t take this to heart.
• You shouldn’t have been alone with that person anyway.
• What did you do to bring this on?
• Just don’t go near that person anymore.
• Well, we can’t really do anything about it. What will people say?
• Sure, that was wrong. But think of the damage it will do to our church (family, organization) if we say anything.
These are the very messages which squelch the grieving process, increase their powerlessness, and provide fertile ground for ongoing rage toward God.
So if the Krazy Glue of apologetics won’t bring clarity to their view of God, what is the answer? The biggest way to help is found in the smallest verse in the Bible: “Jesus wept” (John 11:35 NIV).
The context? Jesus had been summoned by Mary and Martha to heal their brother, Lazarus. By the time he arrived, however, Lazarus had been dead four days and the sisters were well into their grieving. When Jesus met Mary, she and her friends were weeping. Their tears actually triggered his own.
He could have taken Absalom’s approach: “Do not take this to heart! I am going to take care of this! Happy days are coming!” But instead he wept with them. He allowed them to grieve. And he welcomed their unanswered questions: “If you had been here, [he] would not have died” (vv. 21, 32).
As they watched him weep, the crowd remarked, “See how he loved [Lazarus]!” (v. 36). The truth of the matter? They were seeing how much he loved Mary, Martha, and the rest of them.
Want to know how God reaches out to the broken? Look at Jesus. Want the abused to see God clearly reaching out to them? Let them look at you. Weep with them as Jesus would. As your eyes cloud with tears, their eyes will begin to open to how much God cares.
Whether the abuse took place yesterday, yesteryear, or yesterdecade, allow them to grieve. Of course, abuse victims also need safety, so make sure their abusers are kept at a distance. It might also help them if they see you yourself are angry about what has happened to them.
Absalom provided safety. David showed some anger. But what Tamar needed most, and what the victims of abuse under your care long for, is someone to grieve with them.
Again, these are first steps that pastors and lay counselors can take. Will the survivor of abuse need more help? Likely. Given how poorly the Church of our culture has handled instances of abuse, the grieving process has likely been greatly compromised and complicated. But positioning people in God’s presence, providing safety, opening our hearts to truly listen, and allowing them to grieve goes a long way toward resolution and healing.
This is an adaptation of content from my book on sexual healing, Into the Light: Healing Sexuality in Today’s Church. Get it here.