Sexuality and Today's Youth

Quick summary of my workshop

As mentioned last week, all March I was waste deep in organizing and preparing for a seminar in Zelienople, PA, which was held on the 25th. We had a tremendous team to pull it off, and the speakers we flew in from AL and AZ were excellent.

I will get back to our previous series on intimacy in marriage soon, but wanted to give a nutshell full of the teaching I gave in my breakout session: “Sexuality and Today’s Youth.”

When it comes to grounding our kids in a sound theology of sexuality, we have to make a number of shifts, especially in the home. Yes, churches need to be involved, but the frontline is just inside front door.

The main shift necessary to help our kids survive the Sexual Tsunami is a developmental approach, engaging our kids appropriately at every age. We must transition from having an awkward talk with them in the tweens to beginning a conversation in the earliest stages.

As a curious kid, I had hinted loudly to my parents that I wanted to learn about sexuality. One not-so-subtle hint was asking Mom, “What does ‘rape’ mean?”

Not long after that, Dad sat me down for a talk about anatomy and baby-making. It was absolutely the most nervous I had ever seen him. (My siblings didn’t hint loudly enough, so they never had that moment with Mom or Dad.)

The average age of a child’s first exposure to internet porn continues to decline. In 2016, it was 9.^[1] In 2021, the age was 8.^[2] Ninety percent of fifth grade boys have been exposed, so if we are waiting until puberty to jump on that train, we’ve arrived too late to even see the caboose.

Age Appropriate Conversations

Much of what follows reflects my own thinking. Likely I’ve picked it up from a variety of resources, but they are lost to me now. But the different stages of conversation that I presented in Zelienople were . . .

Gender Identity Development (Ages 2-7)

One of my many nephews arrived at Grandpa and Grandma’s for a visit. He was probably three. Upon entering the door, he announced, “I have a penis! Daddy has a penis! Grandpa has a penis!” (Awkward!) His dad quickly hushed him: “Hey, buddy, uh, that’s enough. Stop it, OK?” We were far more uncomfortable than that little tyke, but he was simply growing in his gender awareness.

A parent’s role at this stage is to guide and affirm. We can give names to the child’s body parts and remind them that these are just for caregivers to see. They are not for show and tell. And if anyone ever touches them there or exposes them, they are to let us know immediately.

My colleague Vicky Didato wisely advises us to tell kids, “There are good secrets and there are bad secrets. If we are planning a surprise, that’s a good secret. But if someone touches you, that is a bad secret. Tell Mom and Dad!” Good advice at any age, but little ones especially need to know this.

Other thoughts:

·      Internet usage should always be supervised.

·      Pay close attention to their questions, but only answer the questions they are actually asking. Beware of TMI.

·      If they are rubbing their genitals, don’t freak out, and certainly don’t scold them. That is simply a symptom of separation anxiety—they need attention and connection, not correction.

Opposite Sex Relational Development (Ages 8-10)

At this point, kids are gathering clues regarding romance, affection, and relational dynamics. They can certainly pick this up from TV, the internet, and public education, but what they see modeled in the home is most influential.

And so, what exactly are we modeling when it comes to the opposite sex?

·      Respect for the opposite sex.

·      An expectation to receive respect from the opposite sex.

·      Courtesy, chivalry, dignity, honor, and service to one another.

·      Good taste means no bad jokes.

·      Never hit a woman. (OK, preferably never hit anyone!)

·      Where babies come from in very general terms.

·      Privacy. It’s OK to talk about sexuality in the home, but not anyone’s personal sexual activities.

Again, more is caught than taught at this stage. Pay attention to any clues that they have questions. But as before, answer only the questions being asked. Save the details for the next stage, which generally is fifth and sixth grade. And keep strict boundaries on phones and laptops—not to be used in bedrooms or bathrooms.

In the next article, I will give my thoughts on the Details, Discipleship, and Direction for the years that follow, and how the Church can help in that discussion.

Paid subscribers, let me know your thoughts and questions in the comment section below. Perhaps you have some insights or resources to share with all of us.

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^[1] Scott Gornto, Psychology Today, “how and When to Talk to Your Kids about Sex”, October 15, 2016.

^[2] Hillary Morgan Ferrer, Mama Bear Apologetics Guide to Sexuality, (Eugene, OR: Harvest House Publishers, 2021) 151.