Names, Pronouns, and Fumbling for God (Part 2)

Timing the truth

In last week’s article, we considered the importance of building bridges with those who believe they are trans. In some cases, they will never lend us their ears if we don’t honor their pronouns. But as Tsunami Surfers, we know it is the truth that sets us free. Without it, we are all fumbling about in the dark.

My experience with one counselee was offered as insight—a story given with his permission. We’d had our first chat at a Wendy’s, but the next visit was in my church office. He came dressed like a woman of the streets. I breathed a prayer that the cranky old member of the church would not be driving by as he entered or exited!

Having already built the relational bridge, I shared truth in a way that honored our relationship. I simply reminded him that prayer would be part of each session and I assured him I would do my very best to use his preferred pronouns.

We also reviewed the counseling principles I had previously scribbled on a napkin, that we were seeking God’s healing and resolution for past trauma and false beliefs.

Then I recognized the elephant in the room by saying something like this:

I just want to state from the outset what you may already know. I don’t believe transitioning to become female is God’s best for you. But that won’t be our focus. If you are OK with us agreeing to disagree on that issue, we will work together to deal with the turmoil in your life.

He nodded in agreement. So the amazing journey began.

The Apostle Paul, as stated last week, built a relational bridge as he preached at the Areopagus (Mars Hill) in Athens. He affirmed their desire to seek after the “unknown God,” quoted from some of their poetry about Zeus, and stated that this Creator God desired that they should search for him and “perhaps fumble about for him and find him . . .” (Acts 17:27 NRSVue).

But not long after affirming their spiritual bent, he declared the uncompromising truth that was nonsense to the Greeks:

While God has overlooked the times of human ignorance, now he commands all people everywhere to repent, because he has fixed a day on which he will have the world judged in righteousness by a man whom he has appointed, and of this he has given assurance to all by raising him from the dead. (Acts 17:30-31)

That began the call to repentance. But with those words, the Greek intelligentsia threw up their hands and scoffed. At least most did. A few became believers, including Dionysius and Damaris—two who seem to have been well known to the Mars Hill crowd. No doubt they both resonated with the idea of fumbling about for God.

A Bridge Too Far

There is a significant ministry that has done a lot of groundbreaking work on issues of sexual brokenness. (I will leave them unnamed.) Much of their material is stellar. Propelled by a passion to keep kids from committing suicide, they advise churches to honor pronouns and names even in youth groups. One of their books goes to great lengths to describe special accommodations for gender dysphoric youth who go to summer camps or youth outings. They time the truth about gender for well into the discipleship process.

While I understand the concern for fragile teens whose emotional distress is very, very real, I question the message being sent to all of the other kids in the group. Many of them may already be silently questioning their own gender identity. Does not the open affirming of the gender confused compromise the well-being of the other teens?

Again, I understand. Given the messages that trans teens are getting online, they walk into a church suspicious and on guard. They’ve been coached to believe we are hateful and unsafe. So some measures to show warmth and respect are certainly needed. But will there not be a sense of betrayal when further down the road of discipleship, they are finally told transitioning is not God’s will? Not only that, if they have been taking puberty blockers, does not good godly sense require us to warn them early of the harmful consequences?

Miracles

My counselee is now in his mid-thirties and God has worked miracles. Over the five and half years that we’ve met, he is now off of drugs, out of the drug house, gainfully employed, paying his own rent, and dating an old girlfriend.

How did we get this far? Truly, all glory goes to God. But my ongoing approach has been to ask him what he truly longs for in life. Love? Belonging? Significance? Purpose? And as we’ve sought for resolution of the past and answers for the present, he eventually realized transitioning was not going to meet those deeper longings.

Over a year ago, he appeared on Zoom with facial hair. Hm. When I questioned him, he said he’d quit transitioning long ago. For six months, he had been using his real name and given pronouns. “You're just now telling me this?!” I replied.

He laughed. “Well, it took you so long to get the hang of using the other pronouns, I didn’t want to make you have to switch back!”

Imagine if I had made gender identity the main focus and had insisted on the proper pronouns and given name, he might still be using meth and receiving hormones.

But he is still fumbling, really.

Periodically, I bring up the Truth who sets us free. “You ready to talk again about Jesus?” He will smile, but clearly shake his head no. My prayer is that soon he will see that his greatest need is for Jesus. In fact, his deepest longings will never be realized until he gives his life to Christ.

And so it is for every gender dysphoric or confused person who comes our way. Our ultimate goal is not convincing them to detransition nor to agree with us on every social issue. Our ultimate aim is to offer them Christ!

In each case as we surf this Tsunami, relational bridges must be built, but not at the expense of compromising truth. Timing is so very important. But the sooner we share the truth, the more likely their fumbling for God will end.