Rationale & Motivation
Why would anyone do this?
Once when with a group of people in recovery, I overheard an addict tell his friends what his dad said to him: “Just don’t put the needle in your arm!” He and his buddies laughed as he quipped, “Gee, Dad, why didn’t I think of that?!”
As for me, I thank God that I don’t have to give myself a shot of any kind. I’m sure I could learn if I had diabetes, but for most of us, to stick a needle in a vein to inject a substance that we are not quite sure is pure seems unthinkable. Unthinkable, that is, if you’ve never been addicted to heroin.
The same could be said about addiction to BDSM: “Why would anyone do this?”
About eight years ago, while teaching at a seminar on the subject of sexual addiction, I gave the example of Sadie from Nebraska.[1] At this point, she was not yet free from the behavior. I told them about how once a month she would attend gatherings where eventually she would take off most of her clothes, be tied down, and then whipped until she said to stop. At times she would be coached and coaxed through orgasm while experiencing the pain. The pull of this gathering seemed impossible for her to resist.
The host pastor spoke to me off to the side and said, “Tell her to simply not go!” Just as we find it inconceivable that someone would stick their arm with a needle, he couldn’t believe she would voluntarily get into the car and drive to the location.
At every AA meeting, one of the readings describes alcoholism as “cunning, baffling, and powerful.” One common joke is that they are allergic to alcohol. With every drink, they eventually break out in handcuffs.
And so it is with many addictive behaviors, including BDSM. Addiction is cunning, baffling, and powerful. Whether the consequences are sudden and severe, or imperceptible and prolonged, we often wonder why we just can’t stop doing it. You might even ask yourself at times why you can’t stop scrolling through Facebook posts, news headlines, and email accounts. “Just don’t pick up your cell phone!” Gee, I’m guessing you’ve thought of that many times.
The question still remains: Why would anyone get involved in such a practice? What on earth is the appeal? Especially for the submissives who are receiving the pain?
Unmet Needs
Believe it or not, some simply want to feel safe. Those who become subs or slaves find it very relaxing to not be in control, to not have to make decisions, to be told what to do and when to do it. There is a sense of safety even in receiving the pain because they know that when they say to stop, the dominant will stop promptly. In fact, some of the training for doms includes how to comfort and console the sub afterwards so that they don’t experience trauma. Therefore after the flogging, there is the love and concern of a dom who is trained to soothe the soul and ease the pain.
Through this activity, some gain a sense of safety and significance. In fact one person said she never felt so affirmed as when a group of peers were commending her for how many lashes she could take.
That sense of belonging can be heightened especially for sexual minorities. If their BDSM group is exclusively for gays or lesbians with whom they identify, they will often feel a deep sense of peace. Acceptance with their group dramatically contrasts with the rejection they may feel from the church.
And it is not hard to imagine how someone with a need for control or power might find fulfillment taking on the role of the dominant. BDSM has tremendous appeal to someone who was repeatedly bullied in childhood. As a dom, they can finally be the one in control.
Whatever one’s reason for assuming a role, keep in mind that there are also “switches” who find pleasure in playing either role.
Contributing Factors
It is natural for caregivers to think that perhaps the person was sexually abused. For sexual addicts in general, there is a high percentage who have experienced sexual, emotional, or physical abuse.[2] I know of no study done on the BDSM community and my experience is limited to a very small sample size. Past abuse could possibly be a factor, whether contributive or causal.
For some involved, it can parallel the dynamics of cutting. Physical pain can lead to a distraction from inner pain. In my experience with cutters, the solution is not necessarily to stop the cutting at all costs but rather to bring healing to the pain under the surface. And so being a sub in BDSM can be an extreme form of cutting. There are traumas in the past, and the sub finds distraction, if not dissociation, from that pain when being punished.
The fantasy life of childhood does seem to be a factor. Sadie herself connected some dots in this regard. She remembers day dreaming about being tortured and then rescued—sometimes her dreams at night included torture and rescue as well. And as stated above, a dom could be playing out fantasies of inflicting pain on another person, especially if there is animus toward people of that sex. But from my limited experience, this seems a stretch.
Mind and Body
Any time we experience pain, our bodies quite naturally release endorphins, adrenalin, and other chemicals. Long distance runners experience a “runner’s high,” and anyone who has put in a good, sweaty workout can understand the inner buzz that results from the exertion. Combining this with the cocktail of chemicals resulting from orgasm, and the oxytocin from the Dom’s cuddling and comfort, the entire experience provides an addictive punch. Some have told me these chemicals are a salient part of the addiction.
Then there’s the matter of “subspace.” This is when the pain causes one to dissociate. Catherine Scott describes it this way in Thinking Kink:
There seems to be little doubt among kink practitioners that subspace (the experience of “spacing out” and dissociating from reality, often accompanied by inability to communicate) is real, and happens a lot, especially during intense scenes with a lot of impact, pain, or psychological torture. Dissociation is the human body and brain’s natural response to extreme pain or fear, and in extreme cases people can pass out from an overload of either.[3]
In the midst of this dissociative state, a sub can easily forget to use their safe word to make the torture stop. Scott gives the example of BDSM author and former Ms. Leather 2012 Mollena Williams. Despite her knowledge and experience, she went into subspace, became unable to think clearly, and was traumatized to the point of wishing to die.[4]
There are likely many other factors that my limited experience has yet to reveal. Perhaps what Dad and Mom modeled in the home is a factor. It could well be that one’s first experience of sexual climax was violent and abusive, thus setting in place a distorted arousal template—that is, they’ve been imprinted to the extent that it just seems pain and subjection are a natural part of foreplay.
Whatever the causative dynamics for your care-receiver, it is wise to look for the unmet needs which are at play. What is the payoff experienced? And how can you move them toward our Savior whose wounds alone bring the healing we most desperately need?
[1] Sadie has graciously given me full permission to share her story.
[2] Patrick Carnes, Don’t Call It Love.
[3] Thinking Kink: The Collision of BDSM, Feminism and Popular Culture by Catherine Scott, p. 87.
[4] Thinking Kink: The Collision of BDSM, Feminism and Popular Culture by Catherine Scott, p. 89.
This post made a lot of sense to me. Motivations are often very complex. It's very naive to assume that people can "just say no" when the unmet need is gong unaddressed.
Mark - Very helpful insights of the dynamics behind BDSM addiction, and the approach, as always, to identify what led to the pain driving these choices and focus on healing those issues first.
Your article also reminded me that I need better insights on the issue of cutting. Do you or any of our other readers have further information on this?