Staying Out of People's Bedrooms

Hey, we ain't all missionaries!

Twice now, after writing about BDSM, I’ve had people write asking, “So what are you saying? Are we limited to the missionary position?”

As regular readers know, this blog is about equipping pastors and counselors to deal with the flood of sexual practices swamping our culture. Easy access to porn has truly proliferated experimentation with a wide variety of behaviors, fetishes, etc. Of necessity, I’ve had to paint with a broad brush and have leaned toward worse case scenarios. After all, it is in the clutches of those scenarios where people finally seek out help.

But what is legit behavior for married Christian couples if there is consent? Do covenant and consent open up all options for us?

Not only that, there are so many different degrees in the practices being promoted. Is every innovation prohibited for consenting married couples?

·      What if playful spanking brings better arousal?

·      Does it really matter what position is taken?

·      Are oral and anal sex OK?

·      If one’s fantasies include role playing of some sort, what’s the harm?

Among nonbelievers in our culture, “consent” is the word which seems to open the door to all kinds of things, and that door keeps widening. So to what degree is that true in the Christian bedroom?

Legalism on disputable matters is always poison for the Church. Whether in the bedroom or not, there are certainly issues about which good people of faith will disagree. In the New Testament, there were debatable dietary issues, especially regarding meat offered to idols. Believers were urged to form their own convictions while at the same time honoring and respecting the beliefs of others.

As for sexual matters, a very clear example of this is masturbation—something about which people of good faith disagree. In previous articles (see here and here), I urged pastors and counselors to provide principles upon which individuals can prayerfully shape their own convictions. Certainly, there is a place for saying, “This is where I personally draw the lines.” But we go too far when we make laws and use shame to enforce them.

And as for this broader topic, yes, we are to stay out of each other’s bedrooms and avoid legalism. However, we know that God himself is present in our bedrooms when we are making love. How does he view our sexual practices? That is where we need principles to guide us.

In chapter two of Into the Light: Healing Sexuality in Today’s Church, I look carefully at God’s design for our sexuality as found in the Garden of Eden. There I find four purposes for sexuality:

·      Reflection of God’s Image

·      Reproduction

·      Union with Another

·      Knowing Another Deeply

These purposes serve as principles upon which to shape our convictions regarding our intimate practices. Rewording these purposes as questions can help us determine what might be appropriate and God honoring.

Does the way we make love fall in line with what it means to be an image bearer?

Does the way we make love allow for the possibility of conception?   

Does the way we make love bond us together more fully? Or is it driving us apart?

Does the way we make love enhance our knowledge of each other? Or does it diminish what we know about the other?

One’s marriage is to reflect the relationship that Jesus has for his Church. And so in the weeks ahead, we will take a closer look at these principles and questions, considering how each might influence sexual intimacy within the covenant of marriage.

Whether in the bedroom or not, may all that we do bring honor to the one who died for us and rose again on our behalf.