Suffering Well (Resent)

Enduring Unmet Needs

(Originally sent to paid subscribers only, this was intended for everyone.)

At the age of 49, a good friend of mine felt led to leave the pastorate to serve for three years in Africa. As he was preparing to depart, he heard God say, “Suffer well.”

Wow. And to what degree is that counter to the thinking of most North American Christians?

Thankfully, Evangelicals in the 80’s and 90’s did not buy into the Prosperity Gospel. Not entirely, anyway. The outlandish lifestyles of some TV personalities and those who follow them even today are, I think, a very thin slice of the Church. But I do think Christians in our culture have a very low threshold when it comes to suffering. It just doesn’t feel like “the victorious Christian life.”

I believe our understanding of suffering is wimpy when compared to the third world Church. Being wished “Happy holidays!" instead of “Merry Christmas!” just doesn’t measure up to persecution oversees.

There is a lack of clear teaching on redemptive suffering, especially as it applies to sexual matters. This has led Christians to adopt the world’s idolatry of demanding sexual fulfillment. Would you agree?

We who are intentionally surfing the Sexual Tsunami are people of compassion. The very nature of a counselor’s training is to relieve emotional suffering and to provide healthy ways to cope with unmet need. And if you are the rare pastor who actually teaches on matters of sexuality, it certainly is a challenge to call our people to take up their crosses of abstinence, deny their sexual urges, and follow Jesus.

But I believe that a key component in pointing people toward holy sexuality is to provide instruction on how to suffer well.

No matter what kind of suffering we endure for the kingdom, my go-to verse for guidance is 1 Peter 4:19:

So then, those who suffer according to God’s will should commit themselves to their faithful Creator and continue to do good. (NIV)

Maybe you already have that verse as a plaque on your wall. Or perhaps a refrigerator magnet stuck to your filing cabinet. OK, probably not. But consider the context and wisdom of this verse.

The main theme of this epistle is how to suffer as the people of God. Laced throughout the letter are hints of the grace to endure and of the glory that will be our reward. Consider this as an outline:

·      Reward for those tested by fire: 1:3-9

·      Prophecies about the glory of a suffering Messiah: 1:10-12

·      The call to resist fleshly desires: 1:13-2:12 (note 1:14 & 2:11)

·      Citizens suffering under government: 2:13-17

·      Slaves suffering under harsh masters: 2:18-20

·      The example of Jesus: 2:21-25 (The pinnacle of this epistle!)

·      Spouses suffering in marriage: 3:1-7

·      Believers suffering in the local church: 3:8-12

·      General summary of principles: 3:13-22

·      Exhortation to abstain from fleshly desires: 4:1-6

·      Exhortation to love: 4:7-11

·      Sharing the sufferings of Christ: 4:12-19

·      A call to humility and vigilance in suffering: 5:1-11 (note 5:10)

Consider again, this key verse:

So then, those who suffer according to God’s will should commit themselves to their faithful Creator and continue to do good. 1 Peter 4:19 NIV (Italics mine.)

Applying this verse to the suffering of unmet sexual needs yields much.

Is this present suffering according to God’s will?

We know that transgressing God’s laws and violating his design for our sexuality is not God’s will. But what about unmet need? How does one cope?

We can agree, I believe, that enabling a spouse who is refusing sexual intimacy is not God’s will. Yes, confronting a spouse is difficult. Demanding and insisting on sex is usually counter-productive, if not abusive. But failure to confront is not God’s will.

This is a matter of boundaries. Confronting a spouse may mean meeting halfway between the sheets for at least some limited connection. Or it may mean insisting they get counseling and leveling consequences if they don’t. But once the confrontation has been made and there still is no intimacy, one needs to consider this matter of suffering. Is refusal of sex grounds for separation or divorce? Would that be God’s will? Or does God call upon the spouse to lean into him for the grace of unmet need? I’m not going to answer that for anyone, but I am going to urge a counselee to weigh that carefully before the Lord.

And, I think, we need to carefully, prayerfully, and intelligently consider the matter of masturbation, especially for men. What would be “according to God’s will” on this subject? First, hammer out your own convictions on this topic, being careful that your own wounds or biases are not determining the lines that you draw. And, instead of telling a counselee or parishioner what you’ve concluded, guide them in prayerfully developing convictions of their own. This is clearly an issue that needs to be addressed if we are asking single Christians to abstain from sex. (See more on this topic here and here.)

How does one commit themselves to their faithful Creator in this suffering?

It is incredibly difficult to live as a single person in our sexualized world. No doubt about it. While there certainly are exceptions, very few people choose to be single. And factors in one’s early childhood development and wounds of abuse may heighten one’s need for intimate connection. This can be an incredibly difficult load to bear.

Giving good guidance on how to keep one’s way pure is certainly important. The starting point, however, is not prescribing cold showers (a remedy I was never willing to take). It begins by committing one’s unmet needs to their faithful Creator daily—perhaps hourly. OK, somedays it is minute by minute!

With any type of suffering I’ve endured, 1 Peter 2:18-25 has been very instructive. If God can give enough grace for a slave to suffer the unjust beatings of a harsh, heathen master, there ought to be enough grace for my moment of trial. Not that I’ve passed every test with flying colors—God knows I have not. But I encourage myself with those words.

And then, of course, the example of Jesus in that chapter. Note 2:23:

When they hurled their insults at him, he did not retaliate; when he suffered, he made no threats. Instead, he entrusted himself to him who judges justly. (NIV)

Jesus exemplified the commitment Peter urges in 4:19: “. . . he entrusted himself . . .”

In the midst of incredible suffering, including the unmet urges of our sexuality, committing ourselves to our Creator is square one. He created these desires and knows how this broken world exacerbates our urges. And his homeless and single Son, who doubtless struggled with a boatload of his own unmet needs, can identify with us and grant us grace.

What does it mean to “continue to do good?”

Of the first recipients of Peter’s letter, the answer varied depending on their context. The citizen should pay taxes. The slave should serve as though serving Christ. Wives, husbands, members of churches should turn the other cheek without enabling sinful behavior.

Depending upon the person’s struggles, continuing to do good can be answered with a lot of creativity as one commits themselves to their faithful Creator. Perhaps it would be some of the very things Peter prescribed in 4:8-11:

Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins. 9 Offer hospitality to one another without grumbling.10 Each of you should use whatever gift you have received to serve others,as faithful stewards of God’s grace in its various forms. 11 If anyone speaks, they should do so as one who speaks the very words of God. If anyone serves, they should do so with the strength God provides, so that in all things God may be praised through Jesus Christ. To him be the glory and the power for ever and ever. Amen. (NIV)

Loving, serving, using spiritual gifts for the good of the Body—these are ways of continuing to do good. And, with wisdom, this might include ministry to those who struggle in the same way they do.

The Gist

The Christ-followers under our care may need more than wise counsel and Spirit-led prayer. It could be that instruction on how to “suffer well” in the face of unmet sexual need is a key piece for them to stay firmly on the Path. Equipping them to do so keeps them from bowing the knee at the worldly altar of demanding sexual fulfillment.