Wednesday I had the privilege of speaking twice at a local church on issues of sexuality. This is something I love doing. First I spoke with about 60 perplexed parents and grandparents. Then about 20 easily distracted teens listened for an hour.
Instead of hammering out another article on some obscure sexual behavior, let me simply spell out what I shared with the moms, dads, and grandparents. Some of the content will be familiar to regular subscribers, but you might want to share this with parents under your care.
An important passage for all Christians of any age is Ephesians 5:15-20. These verses will serve as my bullet points.
Be very careful then how you live, not as unwise but as wise, making the most of the time because the days are evil.
We need to know clearly that today’s cultural climate is not the Sexual Revolution of the 60’s and 70’s. No, we’ve joined Bill and Ted on a not-so-excellent adventure back to ancient Corinth and Ephesus where sexual practices were imperceptibly intertwined with a pagan worldview. This doesn’t call us to be alarmed. Nor should we stand gazing to the heavens, hoping for the return of Jesus. But it does call us to be wise and diligent.
Accessibility to sexual content is one key difference between today and New Testament Greece. Cell phones glued to the palms of children have been rewiring young minds toward addiction and exposing them to their first glimpse of sexual content. In fact, recent research suggests that constant use of the internet via cell phones is rewiring everyone’s brain, making it more difficult for us to focus and, believe it or not, to hear clearly from God.
While the scariest issues for Christian parents are usually of the LGBTQ variety, there ought to be equal concern regarding addiction to porn and experimentation of all sorts.
While you still have influence on your kids, make the most of the time. And pray more deeply and thoroughly. The pervasiveness of the current mania indicates this ain’t your gramma’s spiritual warfare.
Therefore, do not be foolish, but understand what the will of the Lord is.
We can be absolutely convinced of biblical truth regarding sexuality . . . until it is our own child. Then, out of love and compassion, we begin to wonder about the scriptures and waver in our convictions.
Paul ministered in a world where same-sex attraction and transgenderism were common and sometimes flaunted. He did not compromise. He understood the New Covenant to include the sexual laws of the Old. And so he spoke truth very directly to the Corinthians who were neck deep in sexual immorality. Nearly anything was permitted, especially if you owned a slave or engaged a prostitute.
Paul did not waver. He taught his leaders not to waver. Three centuries later, the sexual ethics of the Roman world were turned on their head.
But while we hold to truth, we must build bridges with our love. Early Christians held on to truth even to the point of martyrdom, but at the same time cared for the sick, poor, marginalized, and discarded. This convinced a pagan culture of the truth of the gospel.
Understanding “what the will of the Lord is” includes this very approach: hang on to truth while loving unconditionally.
A key word in all of this is CONSISTENCY. Our culture in general and our kids in particular can smell hypocrisy a mile away. (While not as fast as the speed of sound, the speed of smell will indeed bring the stench to their noses!) Do you treat your gay son the same way that you treat your daughter who is living with her boyfriend? When talking about current events, do you address LGBTQ issues with greater anger than the topless movie star in the flick you’ve watched?
The favorite parables for many arise from Luke 15. There we find the incredible patience and love of the Father who waits for his son to come home. But we also see earlier in that chapter the persistent love of the Shepherd who seeks the straying and endangered lamb.
As parents, we need to know whether to play the role of the searching shepherd or the patient parent. It depends largely on the mindset of the teen. If they are caught in thorns and brambles and want rescued, don the robe and pick up your staff to retrieve them. But if they are older and full of themselves, rescue may be the very last thing they want. Wait patiently.
As distraught parents, we too easily err on the side of shepherding. Either we chase them down or we ostracize and criticize, reasoning, “They need to know this is wrong!” I’m guessing they already know that you believe it is wrong. They are equally convinced that you are wrong. It is likely wise to wait patiently for their hearts to long for home.
Patience is so very difficult! I get that. We desperately want to be Liam Neeson, using our “very particular set of skills,” to rescue kids kidnapped by an errant culture.
When our kids are convinced of our love, they will more carefully consider our truth. We pray fervently for the Spirit to bring them to their senses.
Do not get drunk with wine, for that is debauchery.
Are you addicted to porn? Do you bring porn or misogynistic practices into the bedroom? Is your language tainted with sexual innuendo? We are to lead by example. This calls us to repent.
Not only that, we can make our family spiritually vulnerable when we allow sexual sin in our personal lives.
A colleague of mine stated casually that she’d had men expose themselves to her eight times. Eight times! I said, “Do you realize how incredibly unusual that is?” She replied, “Yeah, and the funny thing is my grandpa was put in prison for exposing himself to children.”
The sexual sins of parents and past generations bring vulnerability to the entire family. What form of debauchery are you dabbling with?
But be filled with the Spirit, as you sing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs.
If indeed we are in evil times, and I certainly believe we are, it is a time to be believers who walk in the power of the Holy Spirit. Whatever your theology tells you about being filled with the Spirit, we are called to a deeper walk so that the love and power of God become evident to an unbelieving world.
And when you are singing psalms, sing all of them—especially the laments!
One couple came up to me years ago after I spoke in their church. Their son had come out of the closet as Trans. All of their friends and many within their family urged them to celebrate their son’s courage and to affirm his choices. They simply couldn’t.
They needed time to lament. To weep. To come undone in all of their sorrow and disappointment. It was the death of their dreams for their son—a reversal of all that they had hoped for. They needed permission to grieve, and for someone to grieve with them.
Yes! We need to “be very careful then how [we] live, not as unwise but as wise, making the most of the time because the days are evil.” Parents must live out lives empowered by the Spirit, mindful of their own brokenness, and holding on to truth with a Christlike compassion for those they love.
Mark, All of your posts are profound and powerful, but this one goes to even greater heights. I literally got chills reading it. I have a family member who is trans. He, I can’t call him she, has almost no contact with his family, by his choice. He’s in his late 30s and I haven’t seen since he was a teenager. The few family members he does interact with rarely all affirm his “choice.” I just can’t. Your words encourage me.
Mark this is just what I needed to hear! Hang onto Truth while loving unconditionally- build a bridge! These are truly words to exemplify, and I will carefully be considering them as I transition my daughter to legal adulthood. I truly believe what you said, when she is convinced of my love, she will more carefully consider my Truth! The Truth! Thank you!