When Porn Fractures a Marriage

Ways to rebuild trust

It is a common scenario. After the wife finds porn for the umpteenth time, the husband finally agrees to counseling.[i] Impassioned promises and other measures are no longer enough. Because divorce is being dangled in front of husbands, most are fully cooperative. Most

.At this point, however, some wives are hanging by a thread. All trust is gone. Their sentiment is basically, “If he looks at porn and masturbates one more time, I’m done! Absolutely done!”

From my experience, progress toward victory over porn is like the New York Stock Exchange: a lot of ups and downs, but an overall upward trajectory. The addict will very likely slip up. So how can the marriage be preserved? How can I provide legitimate help to the addict while rebuilding trust with the shattered and disillusioned wife?

In my view, there are three different approaches. The wife feels powerless, so she is the one who gets to choose the way forward.

The Certified Sex Addiction Therapist (CSAT) has within their training a very clear pathway. As I understand it, this includes absolute transparency on all stumbles, involvement in a Twelve Step program, and intensive therapy for both spouses. At a certain point in the process, there is a thorough full disclosure of all past sexual activity.

I’ve had the privilege of sitting in on disclosures twice. In a safe environment with counselors present, the husband reads the statement of his entire sexual history. The wife gets to ask any questions. Then this session is followed days later with the wife reading an impact statement, expressing in detail how his infidelities have impacted her emotionally.

This path forward is rigorous, costly, and effective. It is especially helpful in extreme cases, such as serial affairs, arrests for public indecency, etc. But there are other ways forward.

With their first visit, I explain the Box, the Path, and the Circus. You’ve probably read about this in one of my books, but it is a helpful way of looking at spirituality, expectations, and healing.

The Box is legalism. If you do the do’s and don’t do the don’ts, you are in the box. It is a matter of position. You are either in or out based upon your behavior. This is characteristic of many church traditions.

The Circus is licentiousness. There are not do’s and don’ts. You do whatever you want to do and deal with the consequences later.

The Path, however, is the biblical view of healing and spiritual growth. It is about movement forward; spiritual progress rather than spiritual perfection. It assumes that one will stumble along the way—but that is OK as long as one gets back up, learns lessons, and continues to move toward Christ.

Having explained this to a couple in crisis, I state that I believe there is the possibility of stumbling as we make progress. And so the wife has two options:

Trusting rebuilt through the process: In order for the counselee to be fully transparent with me, it is helpful for him to know that he can open up with every indiscretion and stumbling without fear of his wife immediately filing for divorce. And so after explaining the above principle, I state that if in her fragile state she does not want to know about slip ups, we will keep that between him and me. If, however, he goes to the Circus, then she will be the first to know. In other words, if he goes on a lengthy, rebellious binge of porn or hooks up with a person, I will be certain that she knows immediately. This keeps her off of the emotional roller coaster.

Trust rebuilt through transparency: Sometimes it is absolutely helpful for the wife to know of every stumble. Trust for her is rebuilt as full disclosure is maintained. Despite the ups and downs, it gives her a feel for what progress is actually being made. And so he confesses every time he lusts after someone.

For those of you who face this type of counseling situation, present the three options. If the wife prefers the structured approach of a CSAT, simply refer them. Likely there are Christian CSAT’s who will honor their faith and will competently walk them through the process. Yes, you can buy books which lay out the process and parameters for full disclosures and impact statements, but I’ve found it to be a steep learning curve. It can be done, but to do it well takes training

.Regardless of your training and modalities, the other two options are likely the most practical ways forward. Simply keep in mind that the wife needs to be in control. She is the one whose trust has been through the shredder. And given the way some sexual addicts can lie and manipulate, the husband cannot be trusted with that decision.

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[i] I acknowledge that women are becoming addicted to porn in greater numbers. But when it comes to married couples seeking out my help, it is always the wife who is the victim. Hence my use of terms wife (the betrayed) and husband (the addicted).