About eight years ago I had the privilege of teaching Special Issues in Ministry at Ashland Seminary. I took that as an opportunity to study Family Systems Theory and included the material in my class lectures.1
One principle stood out that has helped tremendously in counseling situations. It’s about how we lean . . .
We cannot grow up in this world without some degree of unmet need, of course. And in response to our trauma, we all adopt one of two general ways of coping. Some of us, because of unmet needs for love, affirmation, or deep connection have gone through life as pursuers. In other words, we lean into people to find our worth, value, and strength.
Others of us are distancers. As a way of protecting ourselves, we lean away from people. The unmet need for safety and security compel us to avoid people, or at least to resist vulnerability and intimacy.
In our pioneering, individualistic society, pursuers are thought needy, clingy, and dependent. Distancers, however, are mysterious loners, the cowboys who know how to go it alone.
In Asian cultures, however, it’s the other way around. Distancers are viewed as rude, inconsiderate, and uncooperative. For them, family and community are so very important, so they value the pursuer.
The truth of the matter? Both need to quit leaning.
Pursuers need to straighten up, individuate and find their value and strength primarily from God. Distancers need to lower their defenses, take a risk, and enter into community.
How does this play out in ministry to the sexually broken?
Years ago, Patrick Carnes asserted that those who have been sexually abused end up going in one of two directions: sexual addiction or sexual anorexia. To me it seems that distancers who are abused crawl into their protective shell of aversion to intimacy in order to avoid being hurt again. Pursuers, on the other hand, vault into sexual addiction, seeking comfort and worth in partner after partner.
Sharing this insight is often helpful for the counselee or parishioner as they gain some understanding for why they do what they do.
Another way this plays out is with accountability and confession. Pursuers, in their desperation, confess to too many people and reach out to a cohort for accountability. This is simply not healthy. In their guilt, shame, fear, and remorse, they go to one person after another, sharing their sorrow, looking for the love and affirmation which assures them they are OK.
This type of person needs to be reined in and cautioned. Yes, they need to confess and find help, but not everyone is safe and worthy of your trust. They need to keep that circle of confession very small.
Distancers, as you might guess, resist confession and accountability. They absolutely don’t want to look someone in the eyes and pour out their shame. Their response is often, “Hey, I’ve confessed this all to God. I don’t need to spill my guts to another person!”
And so to them, we affirm that, yes, forgiveness comes as we confess to God, but according to James 5, healing comes as we confess to one another. Vulnerability to a trustworthy soul brings healing.
At its root, the issue is trust. Pursuers trust too readily. Distancers are risk averse, and too slow to open up and trust anyone at all.
I can own my stuff, and I will frankly tell you that I’ve been a pursuer all my life. No doubt I have been too vulnerable on a number of occasions, but one stands out as a turning point in my life.
I was under accusation for some things I never did. Not knowing what to do and scared to pieces about potential fallout, I reached out to way too many people, asking for prayer and accountability. Their support and assurances were very comforting . . . until one colleague betrayed my confidence. Seeing my situation through her own set of wounds, she assumed I was guilty, and was determined call me out. With her use of emotional blackmail, I went through the most humiliating experience of my life.
One of my mentors who became involved assured me, “Mark, you’ve done nothing wrong. In fact, I think you’ve been heroic in your obedience to God. But why in the world did you tell so many people?”
It was a few years before I had an answer to that question. But in my pursuit of comfort, assurance, and compassion, I had pitched all discernment and began to lean hard into others. In hindsight, I needed to look primarily to God for my strength and to only a few trusted others for support.
As you minister to victims of the Sexual Tsunami, you may need to exercise enormous patience for greatly wounded distancers. They may take a long time to come out of their protective shells and begin to trust you.
As for pursuers, go gently with them. Point out their unhealthy leaning, and urge them to look to God as their primary source of comfort and affirmation.
As Terry Wardle has said so well, “God is our Source, but he uses people as a resource.” Pursuers need to walk upright, looking to God for strength. Distancers need to trust God and take appropriate risks as he leads them to safe people.
This and other insights can be found in Becoming a Healthier Pastor: Family Systems Theory and the Pastor’s Own Family by Ronald W. Richardson.
I have found this idea of pursuers and distancers to be quite helpful for myself and for the people I counsel. It's important information in the journey of self-awareness.
Thank you for this excellent correction for all of us, and especially for whole families and societies that are leaners of one kind or another. The cross cultural application is so insightful and helpful. I think we tend to be dismissive about how, and how much, cultural and subcultural groups operate within these ways of being and with predicable consequences. And I firmly agree that we/I need to find my needs and my corrections in God, my Savior, as both you and Terry advise. But I sense that it is difficult within our current version of Christianity to find those "resource people" who are genuinely connected to God in a way that is worth imitating, Good advise, therefore, becomes the substitute for real experience and so we are left with one gnostic platitude after another, a kind of unending circle that becomes normative. God really IS available to us and really DOES meet our deepest needs and corrects our twisted imbalances and we do NOT have to settle for "The Real Absence" of Jesus! My two cents! :-)