In recent articles, I’ve mentioned the breakout session I conducted on March 25th titled “Sexuality and Today’s Youth.” Many who came had questions about what to say to kids who are currently adopting gender identities. Beyond managing the current crisis, however, we need to begin looking at how to raise up a new generation of children. That is what these recent posts have been about.
If “tweens” need the details and young teens need discipleship, by the time one reaches senior high they likely think they have it figured out. The only input they might welcome is direction, and even then it will likely have to be timed for teachable moments.
One of my priceless memories is golfing with my dad as a young man. For about a year, I had been dating a girl who seemed very hard to please, and so I asked Dad for his input. It was about the fourth tee at Lakeside Golf Course where he made some observations and shared from his own experience. No warnings. No scripture verses. Simply heartfelt advice. In my early twenties, that is what I needed most.
And I believe that is what we all need when we are in our mid to late teens. But it will only happen if there’s been an ongoing conversation from toddlerhood through junior high. Hopefully we can cultivate a relationship in the early years so that there is a willingness to receive direction as our kids enter senior high. Yes, advice unasked for is seldom taken. I get that. But the hope is that the relationship will have reached a point where advice might at least be carefully considered, if not asked for.
Is it realistic to think parents still have influence? After all, they have teachers, peers, and their good friend Google to guide their steps. What do Mom and Pop have to offer?
In her excellent book Mama Bear Apologetics Guide to Sexuality, Hillary Morgan Ferrer cites a study which indicates parents do indeed have something to offer:
Our kids want us to talk to them about sex. No really, they do. When the Power to Decide campaign surveyed thousands of students, do you know who teens ages 12 to 15 overwhelmingly said had the most influence on their sexual decisions? Parents. Do you know who also won the influence race with teens ages 16 to 19? Parents. Don’t let their perpetual AirPod use or eye rolls fool you: Our kids are listening. Let’s start talking.[1]
This survey was done with kids of all stripes. Imagine the influence we might have if we begin the sexuality conversation in toddlerhood, make the topic approachable, and earn their ongoing trust!
So how do we minister to the families of the kids who have already begun transitioning? How do we walk alongside parents if they choose to support their child’s choices? And what if their fellow church members begin to give cold shoulders and whisper from afar. Or, worse yet, if someone dons the “prophetic” robe and begins making pronouncements? What should our counsel be? Should they adopt their child’s pronouns? Call them by their new name? Or whisk them off to a private school?
Hate to say it, but I really don’t have a one-size-fits-all answer. In general, as I wrote a few months ago, we need to decide where we land in Luke 15. Are the kids snared in the briars and brambles of the cultural wasteland, looking for the shepherd to rescue them? Or are they in prodigal mode, off in rebellion, and perhaps returning home eventually? What kind of help will prove most effective?
Our number one concern should be for their salvation. Far more important than convincing them of a biblical view of gender is the matter of their relationship with God. Most parents are tempted to hold the line and make clear kids know they disapprove. But in some cases, when they already know we disapprove, it might be wisest not to burn any bridges. We still want that moment when we can see them limping down the road toward home.
May God give us much wisdom in handling the current chaos, and a vision for raising up the next generation to more biblically steward their sexuality.
[1] Mama Bear Apologetics Guide to Sexuality: Empowering your Kids to Understand and Live Out God’s Design. Hillary Morgan Ferrer with Amy Davison. (Eugene, OR: Harvest House Publishers, 2021) p. 8. (Italics hers.)
I think we do have some influence. It's important to be real with them because they already know some things we may not. My youngest had to explain a term to me the other day. I won't say which one, but I had never heard it before. I also write stories for my kids in which the female protagonists face up to challenges of all kinds. They enjoy them and post them online. I try to come off as wise, but not preachy. It's my hope that they can at least understand that they have agency in sexual situations. That's something I didn't understand well when I was their age.