No matter what the age, talking with our kids about something so personal as sexuality is difficult. Yes, we may realize that it is our responsibility and, no, we don’t have to share any of our personal experiences, but we so easily procrastinate.
Add to this that two siblings can be so very different. Depending on the age and personality, the topic could bring on anything from wide-eyed wonder to running out of the room in disgust.
The current theme here is moving from having “the talk” to beginning a conversation at the earliest stages of childhood. But what is appropriate at each stage?
Toddlers are figuring out gender identity. Ages five through ten are taking in cues and clues from parents and others about opposite sex relationships. As described in the last article, the fifth and sixth grades are critical. This is when we need to dish out the details, both at home and at church.
Then come the squirrelly years. If these youngsters have been raised in church, they have hopefully found Christ as savior and have been confirmed or baptized. What is needed most is the same as for any person young in the faith: discipleship.
Discipleship (Junior High)
At this stage, having already provided the details on anatomy and the boundaries on behavior, such basic information on sexuality will likely have less and less impact. Girls are guy-crazy, and guys . . . let’s just say they no longer worry about getting cooties. It’s time to zero in on discipleship.
Whether in a local church or in a conference setting, when I’ve been invited to speak to teens, I focus on the big picture of God’s design. This is spelled out in chapter two of Into the Light, but you can also find it scattered throughout this blog. The beauty of how God’s made us relationally and the purpose of sexuality—these need to be front and center.
The abstinence efforts of the Church in the 90’s were very well intentioned and often well informed. The packaging, however, was damaged and harmful. Using shame and fear, kids were warned about how crossing the lines would pollute sexual expression in marriage. It was implied or outright asserted that if you crossed those lines, you would ruin your marriage. One major flaw: some kids had already experimented or were sexually active. For them, the message landed like a bomb. The despair that resulted grew to bitterness and anger. The Church is still reaping rotten fruit.
At this age, put your emphasis on discipleship, not demands. Abstaining from sex until marriage is a matter of carrying their cross—and they need to know they are not alone!
For many believers, the crosses are sasquatchian when it comes to sexuality. Most singles are not single by choice and daily long for intimacy. Those battling sexual addiction are often hanging by their fingernails. There are loveless marriages without bedroom intimacy where the relational chasm seems impossible to bridge. And as we’ve illustrated in other blog articles, some labor under relentless same-sex attraction or nagging gender dysphoria.
The road for disciples is rutted with people dragging such crosses.
Junior high students need to see this as a common challenge for Jesus followers. Taking up their cross allies them with “the family of believers throughout the world” who undergo suffering of one sort or another (1 Peter 5:9 NIV). Whether it is hostile persecution or the ongoing battle with inner urges in a corrupt world, all of us must take up a cross. No one falls in love with Jesus without costly discipleship.
An important principle to guide this discussion with young teens is “The Box, the Path, and the Circus”. You can find a complete description in Chapter 4 of Into the Light. It is a way of understanding spirituality and social belonging.
The Box is about rules. Do’s and Don’ts make up the sides of this box, and so if you do the Do’s and avoid the Don’ts, you are in. You belong.
This is, of course, Pharisaism 101. A key consequence for box dwellers, however, is sin grows rampant inside that box. Pride and judgmentalism are the obvious ones. But there are certainly sexual sins inside of the walls of legalistism. Those, however, are kept out of sight in the darkened corners of the box.
The Circus? It is for those who don’t care one iota about Do’s and Don’ts. Once inside the tent, anything goes. This applies to all categories of sin, but when it comes to sexual excess, the only guideline is securing consent.
The Path is where we carry our crosses. It is not a matter of being in or out of the Box, and posing as perfect. The key concern is direction. Are you moving toward God? It’s progress, not perfection.
This is the message for these precocious pubescents. Boundaries were covered a few years earlier, and so the pressing question should not be “How far is too far?” Instead, it should be how a disciple of Jesus honors God as they steward their sexuality.
They will stumble on the Path. For many, it won’t mean living at the Circus. They don’t need to be pelted with shame and “should haves.” God forgives and the Body of Christ should be there to dust them off and help them move ahead. Yes, there may be consequences, but donning a scarlet letter should not be one of them.
God forgives. God heals. God restores. Understanding this is a key part of becoming a devoted disciple of Jesus.
Other discipleship topics should include:
Peer pressure.
The world’s values versus God’s.
Porn and masturbation.
Enduring suffering
Stewarding our time regarding appropriate entertainment.
Eventually and ideally, all of us should grow out of the phase of being discipled. Discovering our gifts and using them to disciple others is what progress on the Path should look like.
But as disciples of Jesus, we will be bearing our crosses until we receive our crowns. Modeling that for our kids encourages them to keep both feet on the Path.
Details for “tweens,” and discipleship for young teens. What about senior high? In the next article, we will consider their need for direction.
For now, what thoughts or resources do you have for discipling this age group? I welcome all comments or criticism.
I really agree about the purity culture of the 90s. That's the culture I grew up in. It caused me a tremendous amount of damage. That is why, when our girls had their 15th birthdays, we gave them rings, but didn't use them to exact some type of promise from them. Instead, the rings were to symbolize our commitment to them, to never leave them.
Jon Tyson's "The Intentional Father: A Practical Guide to Raise Sons of Courage and Character" is an excellent resource for dads raising sons.